This is one of those adventures that starts off simple enough, but in true Tonya fashion, things get all pear shaped soon enough. Somehow this nitwit decided that she needed to do a black and white tie then managed to pull it apart into two separate ties, and knowing her, prolly two more swirled ones somewhere down the road. She got it in her cobwebby little head that the white out adventure would be first, followed a week or so later by the “Black Out” version, which would be more ominous and, ya know, blackouty ... blackoutish … dark. The others would follow later. In theory, the first one would be a trial run for the second adventure to test some ideas and found out what it would be like to be stuck after dark in the new office.
Everything must be white. White hose/tights, white leotard, white restraints, white ziptie, white handkerchiefs, white bandana, white vet wrap, and white tape.
So my business partner and I have a new office for her budding spa. –points- (Up there) The office is in an office building full of other offices. Kind of like a Russian doll thingy, but with offices. It’s all on the ground floor so thankfully, no stairs. We’re in Suite 2 which is the only inside door I can lock and unlock. I started planning, like I do, the week of Christmas to make sure that everything goes as planned. (Hahahahahaha … Shaddup) It’s even more important with this adventure in a business setting, even though it will be well after hours it’s always better to be safe. Safety first, that’s my motto.
Double up on Safety
Safety #1. In the kitchen on top of the fridge there is a pair of EMT shears in a small trashcan mostly full of ice water. Ice water. There’s a string that runs through a hole on the side of the can and is hanging down on the front side of the fridge. The shears are in the bottom of this can and using this safety, is the mostly-helpless equivalent of the ice bucket challenge. There is a command hook, well, not the whole hooky piece, just the sticky bits and the flat base, and it’s stuck to the top of the fridge, in front of the can, that keeps the bottom of the trash can from sliding when the string is pulled, so the entire contents will be dumped onto my head if a safety is necessary. The frigid goodness isn’t the worst of it though, after safetying the nearly 2 gallons of freezing cold water all over the kitchen still needs to be cleaned up.
Safety #2. Outside, yes, outside there is a key to suite 2 on the window ledge directly outside the window of the suite. Peek through the blinds from inside the suite and its right there in the corner on the other side of the glass. On the ring with the key to suite 2 is a key to the office building, but it’s a key to the back door, not the front door … So any trip outside results in having to go all the way around the building to get back in the door between suite 4 and 7.
Okay, so both safeties are a pain in the ass, but I do NOT like to safety. I hate taking the easy way out, especially if it’s because I fucked up, and I’ll deal with some extra bullshit to avoid it if I must. Planning good. Safety bad.
The Plan
I went to a locksmith and had 3 extra copies of the key to suite 2 made and found another key that was almost identical to suite 2 and had 3 copies made of that one. 6 keys, 3 work, 3 are useless, and they were tossed into an envelope and 4 of the 6 were pulled out. The other 2 were sealed in the envelope and placed in the closet in suite 2. The first key was placed in an empty suite, suite 6 on the bottom shelf in the closet. The closet door and the office door were closed. I had to be sure not to lock them. The second key was placed on the fire extinguisher hook in the back hallway between suites 10 & 12. The third key was pinned to the bulletin board as you walk in the front entrance between suites 14 & 1. The forth key I decided to get creative with and taped it inside a roll of toilet paper and placed it on the holder thingy in the bathroom. It’s equal parts tedious and frustrating because the toilet paper holders are the type that won’t open until the roll is empty, because you have to unlatch it to open it, so the entire double roll of cheap tissue paper must be gone to get to the key. Oh yeah, and also no lights on in the bathroom. Most of the rest of the office is dark, with 3 total exits sign and 1 random night light being the only source of illumination, but the bathrooms are two doors into the labyrinth. 100% total darkness. So, best case scenario, 3 of the 4 keys will let me back in to get my snips, worst case, only 1, but for sure at least one of the keys works.
The vestal (self-bondage) virgin … ish. Sorta. Shaddup.
The white out adventure ideas started with me just wanting to get stuck in the snow, but be completely hidden. Problem is, snow is freakin cold, like teeny tiny artistic bits of frozen water cold, BUT after so many years of everything being black, or even a slightly darker black, I needed something a little different. So I slammed to the other side and way overdid it. (Shocking, I know) Everything must be white. White pantyhose don’t seem to exist anymore, dammit, so I had to go with opaque white tights (with a tan sheer under them of course) the George brand/line has an “opaque to waist” version of their tights. Super soft & stretchy … love them. So anyway, white tights, white sports bra (comfy stretchy cotton, not really a true sports bra, unless your sport of choice is cleaning house for 20 minutes with a glass of wine and then binging OITNB for the next 6 hours), a white turtleneck leotard (with thumbies) and a frilly white skirt I found at the dollar store. I wanted to find some elbow or even shoulder length white gloves, but Claire’s and Icing wanted a fortune for them and I wasn’t going to wait on a pair to ship from eBay/Amazon type places, especially around the holidays, so I decided not to do them. It felt a little odd for a white out adventure and everything BUT my eyes and fingers showing. I opted for another pair of white tights (on over my head like a shirt) to go on top.
How to Stuck
White restraints are pretty easy to come by; rope, white tape, some semi shredded material in a strip-like form, white yoga straps … But as usual I couldn’t make up my mind what to use so I rolled the dice (literally) and it came up with “torn bed sheets/cloth strips” I like them. They’re one of my favorites. If you tear them or cut them wide they behave more like straps than rope. The cheaper sheets are coarser and hold very well, almost no slippage, especially against other fabrics, which I was going to be completely covered with. I expected this to be an easier tie than the blackout version but again being indecisive I rolled the dice to find out where to start and how strict the tie was going to be. Just my luck I rolled “conference room” and “excessive”. Could have been worse, I could have started outside and there are levels above “excessive”. It would have sucked if I had landed on “severe” or “safety.” Strips will be excessive in the following locations; ankles, above/below the knees, upper thigh, wrists, around the wrists pinning them, arms above and below my boobs, and depending on length, cinched nice and tight.
I didn’t have any cloth strips on standby so I made a trip to the dollar store and spent next to nuthin on a white twin size top sheet (and the skirt). On the way back to the office I stopped by tractor supply and purchased too much vet wrap. In the usual rainbow of colors (I got black and white) I figured I’d go through 5 of each relatively quickly, $20 well spent if you ask me. The last stop was because I have a little masochist in me, and I hate, HATE to safety. I pulled into the gas station, went in, and grabbed two gallons of water, from the cooler, and two 44oz cups of ice. I did NOT want to safety. Have I mentioned that? I pulled up in front of the office and unloaded my stash onto the sidewalk. The temperature had fallen quickly and it was already dipping below freezing outside. I decided to stash my car around back instead of parking out front. After making the trek back around to the front of the building I placed safety #2 in its place. When I got inside it was a little chilly, so I bumped the thermostat until the heat kicked on. I set the ice and water on the kitchen counter and unlocked suite 2 and moved a few things around so I could lay everything out and take an inventory of all the pieces that were going to be in play.
I didn’t used to be the kind of girl that made lists, but I am now. Too many silly things that could have been avoided and a check and double check of things usually made sure that everything went the way it was supposed to go. I put the keys in their places first, before my brain got all fuzzy from the anxiousness/anticipation. Suite 6, fire extinguisher between suites 10 & 12 by the back door, bulletin board by the other front door between suites 14 & 1, and the silly one in the bathroom hidden in a toilet paper roll. I left the bathroom giggling thinking of me considerably stuck and pawing at a roll of toilet paper like a cat unrolling it all over the floor. I would try to video that if it wasn’t 100% dark in there.
I made my way into the kitchen and finally remembered that I needed to get the trash can out of the trunk of my car. It felt even colder outside than it did a mere half hour ago. I grabbed the can and made it back inside and into the kitchen. I dumped both cups of ice into the can and opened up one of the gallons of water and started pouring it in. I only got half of the second gallon in before it started to get a little full. I dropped the shears in and tied the string in the hole and on top of the fridge it went. The command strip in front of it made sure that it would make a gigantic icy mess, hopefully never. Satisfied with safety numero uno I made my way back to the office.
In suite 2 I finally kicked off my heels, opened up the white top sheet, and spread it out on the floor. I pulled the white handkerchiefs out of the bag and opened up the package. I couldn’t decide on 1 or 2, so I flipped for it, and of course it was 1, but I set 2 aside anyway. I can get kinda loud. The bandanas were next to come out of the bag and I was immediately frustrated with myself for half-assing the selection. Sure they were white, but they had black print and designs and shit all over them. I tossed one aside and it landed on the sheet laid out on the floor and the light bulb went off. Idiot. Just use the bandana as a thingy and cut around it, and BOOM! Instant gag thingy. I cut out the pattern for the bandana analog and very methodically cut the sheet into strips almost as wide as my phone. Once I had them all (22 full length strips, and 8 shorter ones) in a nice neat pile I laid out the zipties, opened up 2 rolls of vet wrap, and found a roll of white electrical tape in the bag. I didn’t remember it being it in there, but what the hell, it’s white. I’ll use it too.
I pulled off everything except my hose and put on the super comfy OITNB sports bra, and pulled on the tights. I gathered up the handkerchiefs, fake bandana, vet wrap, the ear plugs & swimmers putty, the white tape, backup backup shears and a white swimmer’s cap with the crown cut off and headed towards the bathroom. Flipping the light on nearly blinded me. Those hummy fluorescents are a nightmare. My eyes had gotten used to the shadowiness. I piled all of my things on the counter and started with the handkerchiefs. I turned on the water and tossed them in the sink to get good and soaked. I laid out the fake bandana and picked up the hankies, wrung them out, and placed them in the center of the thingy, and then folded it, corner to corner and rolled it up from the pointy bits in. Rolled up nice and tight I picked it up and maneuvered the packing into my mouth. Almost too much. My cheeks were a little bulgy, but it was in there. I tucked my chin to my chest and tied it behind my head nice and tight. When I lifted my head, it pushed the packing in just a little more.
I twisted the ear plugs into tiny little cylinders and screwed them into my ears and held them while all the noise slowly went away. I packed the rest of my ear with swimmer’s putty. My heartbeat was about all I could hear. The next part gets a little tricky. The swimmer’s cap is super snug and makes a great moisture barrier. Getting it on is the hard part. The easiest way, well, that I’ve found anyway, is to put it on over my head and pull it down onto my neck. Then I can slowly maneuver it into place. I cut it at an angle so the front sits lower than the back of it. I pulled the front of it up and tucked it just under my nose. The stretchy cap pushed the soggy fabric in a little further. Once it was all smoothed out I wrapped the tape around the gag a few times. By then my mouth was really packed, and the next step was only going to make things seem even more compacted. I grabbed the vet wrap and started wrapping it around the gag, slowly, and carefully changing the angle of the wrap. By the time the first roll was finished I was almost wrapping vertically, under my chin and over the crown of my head. The second roll started on my forehead and really low in the back. I tried as best as I could to get at least 2 layers everywhere, even over my eyes. I finished the roll off and found the shears, since I was kinda blind and cut horizontal slits for eye holes. They opened up a few centimeters on either side. My vision was compromised but not too much. It was kinda like having a narrow scuba mask on. I could see straight ahead just fine, but nothing on the periphery. I tossed the trash in the counter hole, and shut off the light.
Next I headed for the closet with the breaker box in it. I flipped the breaker off for the kitchen and bathrooms. No power means no lights. No lights means very dark. I closed the door behind me and put a shim (those rubber triangle thingies that you put under doors to keep them open, I was using it to keep this one closed) in the door. This one was small and I pushed it under the door until it was almost not visible. The door wasn’t going to open again until it was moved out of the way, which I would not be able to do in the current damsel in distressy state I was about to be in.
I took one last walk around the big office to make sure the keys were where they should be, double checked the double safeties, made sure all the outside doors were locked, got back to suite 2, and texted Sirius to let her know it was almost go time. She responded quickly and asked if I was going to overdo it so I sent her a cute selfie of my cue ball looking head. She told me I looked like a ghost. Then said don’t die. I said I won’t. The time was 10:27pm. I told her if she hadn’t heard from me by 2am to come and find me. She lived over a half an hour away so it would be close to 3am before she got here if something went sideways. I told her where the key was outside and how to get in the building. I put the phone down and took a deep breath. It was time to finish getting ready.
The tights with the cotton gusset cut out were the next step and went on over my head. I used the electrical tape and taped around my wrists, and around the palm of my hand. This more or less turned the tights over my hands into makeshift mittens. I pulled them snug before taping them off so it was a little tight, and it felt really neat. Finally, I stepped into the leotard and slid my arms in, white tight mitteny thumbs in the thumb holes, and zipped up. I was completely encased in white. I kind of liked it. Actually, I really liked it. Tights everywhere except on my head, but there was no shortage of coverage there. 2 handkerchiefs, a fake bandana, ear plugs + swimmers putty, half a swimmer’s cap, more tape, and 2 full rolls of vet wrap, I could feel a good amount of constriction all over, and actually it was getting a bit toasty, and I was going to be hopping around so I turned the heat back off until after I peeled off layers of stretchy stuff. Another deep breath and I picked up the strips and zipties and headed into a very dark conference room.
The Stuckening
I dropped the strips in the middle of the conference room floor (all the tables and chairs were around the outside of the room, 12 step meeting style) and began searching for a shorter piece to use as my wrist loops. I found the right size but had a little trouble getting the size right. Looping it 4 times was too tight, and looping it 2 times and I could almost fit it over my head. I retied the loops, 3 wraps this time, so there was a little slack left on it, just a piece about 15 cm. I could prolly use that for something. I tied it off and knotted it again and set it off to the side. I walked back into suite 2 and checked my phone. Nothing new from Sirius, and it was 10:51. I dropped my phone on the table and locked the door. I paused before I closed it. Another deep breath followed by a shiver, and I closed the door and didn’t look back. I strolled into the conference room and sat down in one of the chairs. I picked up the first strip my hand hit and laid it on the floor in front of me. I placed both feet side by side with the strip under my arches. I grabbed each end and tightly crisscross wrapped my feet and crisscrossed again onto my ankles. I wrapped until I ran out of strip then knotted it tightly, tugging extra hard on the fabric to make sure it wouldn’t tear.
The next strip I grabbed went around my ankles until there was just enough left to twist on itself and turn into a cinch. It was snug after the first one, but the extra wraps and cinch made it very tight. I started the process again below my knees, wrapping until I ran out, knotting it, and then tightly layering another strip on top of the first. Again, above my knees, and at the top of my thighs. I grabbed 2 more strips and stood up. I realized then how tight the straps on my legs were. I wobbled a bit, but quickly regained my balance. I tied one around my waist, and the other I knotted in front, passed it between my legs, but under my upper thigh straps, around the waist strap in the back, all the way back around and knotted it tightly in front. I picked up 2 more straps and tied the ends together making one long one. I doubled it over and wrapped it around my chest with one arm in.
I’ve found that I can make it tight with both arms in it, but it’s never as tight as I want it to be. I tied it off and grabbed another strip. I tied it around the knot and would use this strip as a cinch for my chest ropes, but first I needed to double check everything again. Wrist loops are ready, legs are welded together, just the chest loops snugged down, and my wrists looped and ziptied to my ass. More or less anyway. I snuck my other arm into the doubled-up chest harness and began wrapping it. Knotted in the back it went under my left arm, around the back of my neck, and then under my right arm. I looped it with a slip knot around the knot in back and fed it back around the same way it went in and then tied it off in the back. Half the wraps were above my breasts, half below. I slid my wrists into the waist strap thingy and the ziptie was difficult to snug down, but I finally got it pretty tight. I maneuvered my wrists into my wrist loops with a ziptie in the middle. Another deep breath and a pause …
This is one of those moments where you reevaluate mostly, well, everything. Second guess yourself and realize how stupid and dangerous this kind of thing is, and then say fuck it and start pulling gently until you hear that first click. Then another one. Then another, heart racing as all hope of backing out fades with every single click. Then the clicking stops. And then you pull extra hard one last time to make sure it’s good and escape proof. There you go. You are stuck. Legs are soo tight. Arms, as usual could be a little tighter. Wrists are perfect. Nailed the wrist loops and cinch again. Alright. Here comes the first hop. A little awkward. Legs are really tight. I wouldn’t say too tight, not yet anyway, but tight enough to take notice. Second hop was no big deal. Okay. We are mobile. Sorta. First key here I come. I made my way around the conference room to the open door and down the hallway to the key in suite 6. I opened the door with no problems and the closet door too and there was the key, on the shelf right where I left it. I scooped it up with my mostly useless mitten and hopped back around the corner and down the hall. I approached the door to suite 2 and spun around so I could reach the doorknob and attempt key number 1. I searched around for a bit trying to hit the hole, I guess it isn’t as easy as one would think. After a good 30 seconds or better of fumbling with it, the key slid in. I held my breath and twisted …
It turned. Seriously. The first key. Really. I was instantly let down and borderline, well, angry. A week of planning, shopping, putting together the perfect anti-Tonya yet still Tonya getup to get stuck in and now this. The first fucking key. I swung the door open and grabbed the snips off the table and cut my ziptie cinch. I pushed the home button on my phone … 11:37 I was actually adventuring for maybe… what? 15 minutes?!? 20 tops! I sat down on the couchy thing and almost started to pout. Then I remembered, there were still 3 keys out there. This adventure didn’t have to be over. MAYBE … It was just beginning.
I grabbed 3 more zipties out of the package and hopped for the door. I locked the door and closed it. No pause. Just kept hopping for the conference room. Once inside I noticed that I had more straps, so I doubled up on my chest ropes, sitting down in the chair and using the back of it, anchoring them to my waist strap, and tightening everything up in the process, because they are never tight enough. I made another wrap mid thigh and around my calves, both also very tight, and another double wrap around my waist to tuck my wrists into. I slipped one wrist in and lined up the zipties. Then I remembered that the wrist loops had a little excess on them so I paused and tied it off to my straps at the top of my thighs. This was handy too because if they slipped out of my hand while I was tightening everything down I wouldn’t have to get down in the floor to get them. I’m pretty smart sometimes.
I slid my wrists back down into the waist loops and lined up the ziptie again. I clicked it a few times and reached down and grabbed my wrist loops and started to slip my wrists in and paused again. I pulled the wrist loops up as far as they would go and put the wrist loop ziptie through the waist loop ziptie. I slid one wrist in and another great idea hit me. It would really snug things up if I put the wrist loops under my almost crotch strap too. I knew I grabbed 3 zipties for a reason. I was really happy with myself and my anti-escapist logic that was getting me so amazingly stuck. I pulled on all of the zipties until they all stopped clicking. My wrists were so locked in place. I couldn’t move them down because of the ziptie anchoring them to my waist loops, which were anchored to my waist strap, which was anchored to both chest harnesses. I couldn’t move them up because the excess from the wrist loops was tied to my thigh straps. I couldn’t pull them away from my ass because the wrist loops were tucked under my makeshift crotch strap. I shivered at the thought of how totally immobile my hands were.
This was the tightest I had ever tied myself with bed sheets, and definitely the most helpless I’ve been outside of the comfort of one of my 2 safe zones. It finally clicked that I was standing, encased in white, helpless, AND in a conference room, in an office building, on a Tuesday, and the first wave hit me. It nearly knocked me down. I had to regain focus. Something that would make me take a moment to pause and regain my composure. Okay, look down. What do you see? Amazing legs in white tights, red toes almost peeking through, and a cloth strip wrapped around my feet and digging into the sides of them and then crisscrossing up around my ankles and it got tighter from there. Much tighter. Another wave. This was not working. Focus idiot, focus. I started to sit down in the chair, but my wrists would not move. Sitting down meant sitting basically on my fingers, and I kind of needed them to work. I opted for leaning against the counter instead and wondered if I could get up on it and lay down. That was a terrible idea that quickly left my head. I decided to focus on keys and made my way to the first second key, the one by the back door. I started hopping and on the second longest journey for a key and noticed how much tighter everything had become. My legs seemed even tighter, and I could no longer move my arms at all. I still had all the feeling in my fingers and toes, but not being able to move my arms was a bit of a concern.
I got to the fire extinguisher and my fingers were right by the hooky thing. Perfect. I snatched the key and started hopping back. I like this. It’s tighter. It’s more adventurous. No more close keys. Too easy. I’m going to have to work for them from now on. Yeah girl. You tell ummm… me I guess. I made it back to the suite 2 door and turned around as before, and honestly, I didn’t want this key to work. I tried it and the knob did not turn. I dropped the key, silently pleased it didn’t work. Key number 3, the one on the bulletin board. All the way down the longest hall and make a left this time instead of a right. I made the left and was halfway down the hall when headlights hit me in the tiny eye holes. Someone was in the parking lot. I slowly made my way to the door to see which direction they went. They were parked at the complex next door, only about 20 meters from the door I was standing next to. I watched them get out with their paper towels, wipes, and a vacuum cleaner and surmised it was the cleaning crew. I didn’t know how long they would be there, or even if the building the helpless ghost was hopping around in was next on the list. Sirius wouldn’t be here for a rescue until around 3am, so waiting was out. I could go in and lock the door to the suite, but shit. I still can’t get back in it.
I turned my attention back to the bulletin board where I noticed the key was a little higher than my hands. Like nearly elbow high. And my hands were securely attached to my ass. I had 2 options. I could lean against the wall and see how high up on my toes I could get and maybe reach them that way. The other option was to just knock it down and hope I could get it out of the floor, and more importantly didn’t turtle myself while I was down there. There is nothing in this hallway to use to help me get back up. The nearest chair is in the open area by the conference room at the other end of the building and there is no way I could inchworm my ass all the way down there before sunrise. Not gonna happen. I opted for plan A and leaned against the wall. I slowly started backing up and going up on my toes as high as I could. I could touch the key with my little finger, but I couldn’t pull it off the board. I stretched as high as I could go and was almost en pointe but I got 2 fingers on it and managed to pull it down. Success!
Now to make the trek back to try key number 3. I quickly hopped back down what was becoming the longest hall ever and turned and backed up to the knob again. I was getting better at finding the hole, but this key didn’t turn the knob either, I was again wondering if my inner masochist was grinning, Cheshire cat style at the thought of me pawing at the roll of toilet paper for half an hour. I honestly had no idea how long this was going to take. It would totally be worth it though. I headed back down the hallway. Halfway down there is the bathroom, with service for 3. I grabbed the unnecessarily heavy door and pulled it open. The key was in the roll furthest back in the last stall. Once the door closed it was completely black in there. I couldn’t even tell a difference between the light when my eyes were closed and when they were open. I might as well have left my eyes covered for this part of the adventure. I wonder if I should have a blindfold for the blackout adventure. Total darkness and I can’t really appreciate it because I can’t see beyond my nose. Too much? Prolly so.
I chose the last stall because of the handicap rail. Even in the dark if I could find the rail, I knew I was in the right stall. I wedged myself between the toilet and the wall and searching blindly for the roll. It was lower than I thought it was. Probably because I was sitting down when I put the key in there. Which I can’t do now, because reasons. Hang on. I couldn’t sit in a chair because I’d be sitting on my hands, if I sat on the edge of the toilet there would be a spot where I could put my hands and wouldn’t be smushing my fingers. Yes! I turned back around and sat on the edge of the toilet and my hands were okay, and if I leaned back just a bit I could use them for leverage against the other side and use my feet to unroll my freedom. I started batting at the roll with my feet and it was spinning. After what seeming like half an hour I decided to turn around and check to see how much was left on the roll. I can look back on this one day and laugh at it, but at that moment, that’s why I overstuff my gags. I’d been rolling it, and it was just spinning. It still had the factory seal on the end of it. I had made zero progress in getting out since I got in the super-duper dark potty. I tried to tear half of it off to get it started and surprisingly, I almost did it. The only issue now is getting the extra paper out of the way and getting the roll emptied. After seemingly another half hour, the last of the paper fell off. I pinched the latch and the side popped out. I pulled the roll off and squeezed it to make sure the key was there. Spoiler alert. There was a key in it.
I stood up and realized my legs were getting tight and sore. The hopping alone wasn’t bothering me, but doing what was basically wall sitting while maintaining my balance and trying to spin a roll of cheap tissue paper had my thighs burning. I followed the wall until I found the door. It was easier to open since I could just lean on it and it fell open this time. I carefully crept into the hallway, sort of, as carefully creeping as you can be dressed in all white and hopping with your hands welded to your ass. No vacuum cleaner noises, no random cleaning sounds, trash being dumped, no talking, no noise other than my own heartbeat. Ahhhh …Shit. Ears were plugged, puttied, covered with a swimmer’s cap, and at least 2 layers of vet wrap on top of that. Brilliant. Okay. I … might, occasionally … maybe, overdo it a little bit. Find something else. I can see, sort of. I’ll try that. Okay, so no change in lights. Dark in each direction. It would be difficult to clean in the dark, right?
I began to make my way halfway down what is now officially the longest hall ever and peeked into the open area as you walk into this side of the offices. Nothing was amiss. I got a little closer to the front door and the vehicle and the mystery cleaners were gone. Nice. I made my way around the corner and back to suite 2. I was ready to be free. I tore the roll off from around the key and leaned against the door for a moment. This was a great adventure. Well planned. Well executed. No more easy outs though. The first key working is always a crushing buzz kill. I took a deep breath after telling myself job well done and stuck the key in the door. Turned the knob. Annnnndddd … nothing. The knob would not turn. I hadn’t been as baffled as I was at that very moment before or since. I started talking to myself. 6 keys total. 3 work, 3 are useless. I chose 4 and tried them all. None of them worked … except the very first one. Shit. The other two working keys are in a sealed envelope on the other side of this locked door I can’t open. The only other key that opens it is on the table in there too. Except the one outside anyway. I have to go outside. I have to safety. I can’t get out unless I do. Nothing has slipped, nothing is going to slip. I’m too fucking good at this. Everything is too deliciously tight to budge. I’ll just hop outside and get the key from the window ledge…
The window ledge that is higher than the key on the bulletin board. The key I was barely able to reach. Barely. I wasn’t just going to have to safety … If I wanted out, I had to DOUBLE safety. I haven’t fucked up this bad since high school. House to myself during spring break so I decided to do something stupid. Escape attempt for real. One piece swimsuit, fishnets, handcuffs and zipties in a bathtub filling with water. Key was just inches away on the side of the tub. All I had to do when I was ready to get out was reach up and get the key. No problem. Except when the water was getting a little too high for me to enjoy it anymore, I went for the key. I also sent enough rising water over the side of the tub to wash the key away. So there I am, police issue handcuffs on my wrists and ankles with a ziptie holding them together, and it was TIGHT. The handcuffs were touching. I panicked. I literally thought I was going to die right there. I struggled as hard as I could, hoping for some miracle and I heard a pop, and my feet hit the wall of the tub. I’d managed to snap the ziptie. I was still cuffed, but now sitting up in a bathtub filling with water is less ominous than facedown with your wrists attached to your ankles. Much less.
So anyway, back to this daffy bitch and her current predicament. Ice bucket challenge, then go outside in what is surely now low 20°’s, grab the key, and go all the way around the building before Tonya turns into a popsicle. My other option was to wait it out and sooner or later Sirius would be here. I had zero idea what time it was and would literally never hear the end of the night she had to rescue me when everything went wrong. Soooo … I safety, then I safety again and I text her and let her know everything is okay and I’m out safe and I didn’t completely fuck up the first of 3 or 4 adventures. Next time I’ll try and talk her into coming with me. She can stalk me and make things tougher if she finds me. Or she can walk around with a camcorder and video my adventures. Okay. Shit. This is going to suck. This is going to suck. This is going to suck. This is going to suck.
I dropped the third key on the floor next to suite 2 and headed for the kitchen. I turned the corner into the kitchen and the tile floor was already freezing. I hopped along the counter until I reached the corner by the sink and right next to it was the fridge. I turned my back to it and started looking around for the string attached to my prize for being this stupid. I had some trouble finding it because the first signs of my hands going d-e-d were starting to kick in. After finding the string I turned and faced the fridge. I was going to meet my demise head on (face first too). I looked up at the can and closed my eyes as I slowly began to pull on the sting. I was beginning to think I had fucked this up too. I pulled what I thought was almost too much slack out of the line before the water hit me, but nothing had happened yet. The only light in the kitchen was coming from the exit sign around the corner by the back door. I just kept pulling. I wasn’t sure what else to do. Just as I was thinking about trying to find a way to light up the kitchen and see what was going on, I got the coldest, and I do mean COLDEST shower I have ever had. Right in the face.
I felt the shears hit my head, then my left shoulder, and nearly water boarded myself in the process too. I took a moment for me to catch my breath. The ice water was slowly working its way through my layers and I was ready to be out of them as much as the straps I was once so fond of. Now where did those shears run off to? I began to move around and see if I could feel them with my feet, but after a few minutes, no luck. I kept searching, but coming more and more cognizant that I might very well be very fucked. I finally had a panicky moment and went into the hallway. There was one light switch in the hallway by the back door that I could flip on and find the shears. I almost talked myself out of it, but I was so ready to be done. I found the switch and using my well wrapped, now slightly twitchy shivering nose to flip the switch. It was like waking up and staring into the sun. I slammed my eyes shut and waited for them to adjust. I began making my way back to the kitchen, to once again, safety, dammit, and find my freedom. My cold, wet feet hit the tile floor, which was also cold and wet, even by the door, and I expected to see the shears in the middle of the floor like a treasure anxious to be found, but … I saw nothing. Not a damn thing. Well, there was an obscene amount of water on the floor, and a bucket with a string tied to it, but no shears. They were in there, they hit me on the way down. On the left shoulder. I didn’t imagine that.
Okay so, standing in front of the fridge, if they hit my left shoulder then they would have landed by the table and/or the wall. I looked all around that area and there was nothing. I slowly made my way in that direction expecting to see them at any second. As I got closer I thought I saw something shiny near the edge of the fridge. AH-HA! They were there, right under the front edge of the fridge. I could just see part of the plastic handle and just enough shiny bits to catch it. I did a little dance. Well, as much as I could anyway. I began inching my way over to them. There was still a ton of water on the floor and hopping in it could have catastrophic results. It was still going to be tricky though. As I got closer to the fridge I couldn’t look down and see them under the edge. I would be working completely blind, which isn’t really an issue. I’ve done it hundreds of time and its kinda the basis for my next adventure. Blackout. Duh.
I inched closer and closer until my toes hit something that moved. I slowly, and with a surgeon’s precision, yes. With my toes. Shaddup. I placed my toes on the handle of the shears. I bent them, ever so slightly, and started to pull the shears out from under the fridge. Suddenly, they just shot out from under my toes. Pushing down on them to get what little leverage I could was just enough to shoot them back under the fridge. I would love to say that I simply laughed. Or had some line about Murphy being an optimist, but I didn’t. I broke down. Getting weepy and snotty with the mouthful I had was a worse idea than round 2 of this adventure. It was not pretty. I couldn’t decide whether to try to sniff everything back in or blow it all out. Either way, horrid idea. I only had one remaining option. Soaking wet, sore, freezing, tired, miserable, fingers slowly getting tingly, I had to go outside. In the cold. And hope, HOPE I could get the key off the window ledge and get all the way around the building and back in to suite 2 and get my snips and cut all of this silliness off of me. I turned and leaned against the fridge and tried to calm down and focus. I was doing a breathing exercise when I noticed a package on the kitchen counter. It was on the currently dark side of the microwave. I made my way over to it. It was a box from Amazon. The tape had been cut and I could just barely see inside. It was a .5 meter stainless steel magnetic knife holder. I let out a huge sigh. Hoping against hope that it was something useful, like a robot with lasers, or a light saber, I’d even take a small chainsaw at this point. I looked in the drawers and found silverware, well, forks, spoons, and the child safe equivalent of a knife but nothing that I could use to cut myself loose.
Once I get outside I’ll be stuck out there unless I can get the key. Assuming I can even reach the key, I still have to make my way around the building, back in and cut myself free. If only there was a way that I could … idiot. Magnets. Easily long enough to reach the key, and the magnet would make sure that I didn’t drop it. This was really my last shot at getting out before Sirius showed up with a cape on, probably an actual, literal cape. If only I knew what time it was. I can’t wait. I have to try it. My hands were really starting to get tingly and I was relieved to find that the box had already been opened and there was no extra tape to tear though. I had the magnetic strip and was still soaking wet, but I was going outside. I left the kitchen and went around the corner and into the faint glow of the parking lot lights. I got to the glass door. And began saying out loud through my gag, I am going outside. I AM going outside. I leaned on the handle of the door and it gave way and slowly opened. The wind hit me and nearly knocked me down. Not because it was that strong, but because it went right through me. It had gotten COLD.
This was now, officially, the worst idea I’d had all night, and I’d had some bad ones. But this was the worst. I leaned against the door again and I’m not sure if I took a deep breath, or it was taken from me, but I hopped out of the building and onto the concrete. I still had the door in my grasp. I was close to the key. I was going to get out. On my own. Without a rescue. I let go of the door and hopped towards the window. The keys were right where I left them. I turned around and placed the knife strip on the ledge and slowly moved it in the direction of the keys. I barely heard the clink as they made contact with each other. I slowly lowered the strip until my fingers reached the keys. I had my freedom in my hands at last, and was only moments from getting free. I started hopping down the sidewalk to make my way around back. The wind seemed stronger in front of the building but it was nice to have a break from being cut in 2 by it.
When I made it to the back door, I turned around and picked the key with the round handle. The diamond handle was the one to suite 2. I leaned back, but there was no handle. I went up on my toes, and there was the door handle, but the deadbolt was still out of reach. I went up as far as I could go, my toes cracked and the key hit the deadbolt, and then the hole. I quickly pushed it in as far as I could. I had to take a moment and let my toes recover. They didn’t, but I had to try again anyway. I bounced up, a bad idea, but tonight it seemed like the theme. I got enough of the key to turn it and grabbed the handle on the way down. I nearly fell inside as the door opened. Holy shit. I’m back inside. I closed the door behind me and took a few minutes for the chill to almost wear off. I’m sure if I could feel my toes they would be killing me.
Shit. The fucking key is still in the door. Idiot. I pulled the door to the deep freeze open again and was thankful for the little step up into the building. It was the difference in getting the key being a pain in the ass, or another impossible task. I started hopping down the hall and rounded the corner towards suite 2. Finally. I had no idea how long I’d been tied, but it had been long enough. I got to the door and turned around. I took a deep breath. I didn’t know what I would do if this key didn’t open the door. I put the key in and turned. The door swung open. Finally. I grabbed my snips and started cutting the zipties on my wrists. Actually I wasn’t picky. I was cutting anything the snips could get a bite on. Arms, thighs, knees, ankles, they all got cut. I had to wait for my fingers to come back to life until I could start on my head. After I got it off I pulled out the putty and earplugs and then cut off the gag. I pulled out the packing and my jaw popped, twice, when I tried to close my mouth. I started pulling off wet stretchy clothes. My head was still soaked and just about everything else still was too. Damnit. Including the kitchen floor. Did I mention how much I hate to safety?