| I was thinking about all the years I had fantasies where I was strapped down or
strapped up and stuff, and often the fantasies involved a forced orgasm with a vibrator
or whatever. I was reflecting on how I always regarded my fantasies as rape fantasies,
and the term bondage hardly entered my mind. But they're not always bondage
fantasies because I sometimes have a fantasy without bondage. I wondered what the
common theme was, since I don't always think of being overpowered by a person -- I
also think of being overpowered by vibrators... or plants! Then it occurred to me that I could define my fantasy theme as being overpowered by
ecstasy -- overpowered by sensation. And that's the important thing. Loss of control,
and it doesn't always matter how I lose control or what/who causes me to lose it.
October 7th, 1987
An interesting generalization about my relationships. In my first long-term relationship,
Ish was always asking what I wanted sexually, and I didn't know. In my second
relationship, Duncan was always letting me know what he wanted sexually and I'd
choose what sounded okay. In my third relationship Rat was always telling me what I
should want sexually.
I'm not quite sure I know what I want yet. Or maybe I know and I don't know how to
say it. But do I really want...
What do I really want?
October 23rd, 1987
I've finally tried a panty gag. The first pair I tried brought me to disbelief. I couldn't fit
them in my mouth. But then I found a skimpy pair. I rolled then up and put them in,
then secured them with a strap of lace tied round my head.
I decided I like the panty gag. They're absorbent too, so I was able to wear the gag a
long time without drooling. It amazes me that I used to dislike gags.
After I was gagged, I used a fishnet stocking to tie the three-inch brass rings on my
breasts. I sat down and took another fishnet stocking and pulled it over both toes.
When I got to my heels I put the heel-points though the net-holes. Then I pulled the
stocking up to my thighs. I used my garter belt to fasten the fishnet sleeve. I especially
like sleeving my legs.
I rigged two belts, snapped a dildo on and worked it between my sleeved legs. As I
pulled the belts I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it fit. I pulled hard and finally locked
the belts. Snug.
I only barely opened the magazines and I had to get off. I grabbed a white vibrator
and again had trouble working around the straps, dildo, and sleeve. But I managed.
Afterward I read the magazines for a long while, then masturbated one more time. I
finally detached everything to eat dinner.
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